Hope amidst Grief

Over these past weeks, I have cried out many times, “God what are you doing?” The truth is, I don’t really understand and I can’t really comprehend how this makes any sense at all. Jesus talks about having faith that can move mountains, but I believe that even a faith like that can fall on its face before the Lord and cry out. My human heart is broken and the void that I feel grows deeper with every day that passes. Life just doesn’t feel the same.

But each time that I humbly question God’s hand in all of this, I hear His still small voice not with an answer to my question, but with an answer to my cry. He reminds me that there is one thing I can be sure of: my God is who he says He is! I may not know what He’s doing, but I know who He is! Will I run to Him? Will I trust Him? Will I rely on Him?

The question is not CAN I… but WILL I.

“I may be weak, but your spirit’s strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but my God you never will.”

I am confident in Him, even when the tears won’t stop flowing. He purposes everything for My good and for His Glory even when it feels so heavy and it looks so dark.  He is faithful to remember his promises to us; he will neither leave us nor forsake us, his love is unconditional and his grace runs deep. I CAN depend on Him and I will. Though so many questions go unanswered, I know I can trust in Him because He IS good and with Him there IS hope that never fades.

If you don’t feel that hope within you; if you don’t know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, I PROMISE you that His hand is stretched out to you as well. Stretched out reaching to you and calling you home. I PROMISE that you don’t need to question ‘Can I trust Him?... Just look at his nail-pierced hands. Even though we cannot see our own ‘entire story’ with all of its answers and purposes, we can see His! The hands that are stretched out towards me, and you, are the same hands that were nailed to the cross in payment for our sins. They are the same hands that took on the weight of the world in order to set us free if we choose it! They are the same hands that ascended into Heaven and were welcomed home by our Heavenly Father. His hands are scarred, but they are warm and they are open to you. I promise that he is GOOD, always – even when we go through the valleys.

And believe me, I am in a valley. I am in water that is up to my neck. But He is GOOD and he is here and when I question why he can’t just make things better, why he can’t just give me my mom back… I look at his hands and I know that he HAS made everything better – he gave me my eternal home and He reminds me that I will see my mom again, there. He reminds me that I am not made for here, for this earth; this is our temporary home. He gave His perfect life for you and for me and this truly does make everything okay. The pain doesn’t go away completely, in fact in some moments it is still completely overwhelming, but we look ahead. We live our lives in light of eternity, knowing that we will be with Jesus. This changes everything.

I see the smile on his face as he watches me remember that truth, a truth that I have to remember every morning when I rise and every night when I lay my head down.

I still feel heavy and my heart is still broken. The void that my mom left is huge and I will never stop missing her while I am here on this earth. But praise God for his unfailing love. When I cannot do this on my own, he carries me through and I have felt that truly over these past weeks. The weight is heavy upon me, but I know it could be heavier still if my Lord wasn’t holding me up.

Let Him hold you too.
His hands are open and the blood that poured out from him was shed for you too, no matter how stained you think you are, his perfect blood WILL wash you white as snow if you let Him.

This song has been a huge encouragement to me, go take a listen!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Txg5nOIZYO8

I have put my hope in your word. Psalm 119.

"Therefore, laying aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and all evil speaking, as newborn babes desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious." 1Peter 2:1-3

"I do know him and keep his word…" John 8: 55 {Jesus speaking}

"Genuine spirituality, genuine Godliness, 

is always marked by a love for and a delight in God's truth." 

John Macarthur

If there is ONE thing that has been at the front of my mind over the past year or two, it has been: why are so many church-going people not interested in reading Gods word? OR if they do have interest, why do they fail to follow through? I am not excused of this myself, but over the past year or two of having a healthy devotional life - I've come to realize that true growth as a disciple cannot exist apart from growth in our knowledge of God's Holy Word. Lets consider Psalm 119: all 176 verses point to a passionate love for the word of our God.

"I seek you with all of my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." (10+11)

"I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word." (16)

"Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long." (97)

"I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path.Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." (104 + 105)

"I have put my hope in your word." (114)

and so on and so forth. I encourage you to READ psalm 119 to hear from the writers heart what true passion and love for God's word is like. We ALL need to aspire to have this eagerness and zeal for Gods word. 

Peter uses a simple analogy of a baby. A baby craves milk and it's all they crave; they RELY on this milk to grow and develop. As the baby craves the milk, we are to crave passionately the word. This is where it all begins and we all need to ask ourselves "do I have a real genuine hunger and craving for God's Word?" If we think we do, yet we aren't seeing any growth or progress in our knowledge and understanding of God and his son Jesus Christ; if we aren't progressing in our relationship with God and benefiting in our day to day lives.. then chances are we aren't filling ourselves with what we need to grow… the Truths of the Bible.

I love how John Macarthur puts this: "One thing is true about a baby. You don't have to work real hard on a baby to get them to feed. Generally speaking, they will do that. That is the longing and the desire and the craving that God has built into them. It's a very natural and a very normal thing. That baby cries out to be fed. In fact, the sad reality is that as believers, so many times we have to be coddled and motivated and exhorted to do what ought to come most naturally as the flow of our sense of need toward the source for that need: the word of God." Think about your favourite hobbies or past-times. Do you need to be constantly encouraged and pushed to spend time doing those things? I myself LOVE photography as you might know, I also love to read & write. I can't say I ever need a push from someone to encourage me and remind me to pull out my camera and use it - I also can't think of a time that someone has told me 'Hilary you really should try your best to get some reading and writing in this week!'. Nope… I can't say it happens often… or ever. Why? Because I LOVE photography and I LOVE reading and writing. When I find myself with nothing to do and a lot of time to kill - my hands either want to grab my camera or pick up a book. I not only enjoy doing it - but I long to do it. When I go a few weeks without a photo-shoot booked I actually MISS my camera and I can't wait to get shooting again. I start dreaming up ideas and plans to grow and better the art. We tend to spend a lot of time pursuing our passions. So wait a minute, is it possible to be a Christian and not pursue Christ? Shouldn't we all be passionate about Jesus and our relationship with Him? YES! I think there is just a disconnect in realizing that a primary and VERY important way to GROW in our walk with Christ is through reading the word and letting it become real in our hearts and souls and minds. 

Now I think there is a reason that Peter starts by saying, "laying aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and all evil speaking…" If we are filling ourselves up with a bunch of other "stuff", where will there be any room for a hunger for God's word? Sin doesn't fill us up no - we should realize that - in the end it is only a very temporary fix and in the end, we are emptier than the start - BUT sin doesn't destroy our Good appetite. Its like eating junk food all day long - its not good for you but it tastes oh so good - we think we're full so when a nutritious dinner is placed in front of us at the dinner table we say "I'm not hungry!". Half an hour after dinner, we find ourselves hungry and looking for more food - but the nutritious meal has lost its appeal because we'd rather get that same taste of candy, pop and whatever else is appealing to your taste buds. Before we can start taking in the good stuff - we need to change our appetite. If you force yourself to eat healthy with no joyful desire to be doing it - eventually you will fail. You need to WANT to eat healthy and take in whats good for you. 

The same goes for our hunger for the word. If we only force ourselves to read the bible out of obligation or duty or guilt - eventually we WILL fail. Something more appealing will come along and steal your attention and your time. Before we can just be IN the word, we need to hunger FOR the word. So how can we start pushing ourselves to change our appetite? First, we need to realize that the Lord IS good (1 Peter 2:3). Why would we want any of God or his Word if we didn't first come to a realization that God is Good and he wants us to grow up in the same goodness that Christ did? Second, as Peter says, we need to RID ourselves of our sin and our bad attitudes (1 Peter 2:1). We need to get rid of the bad, the bitter, the unhealthy, the negative, the sinful STUFF in our lives. WHY would we want to do that? Remember… because we know that God is Good and he has our best interest at heart. He has a purpose and a future for us, he wants us to experience Joy and Freedom. He wants us to have knowledge AND wisdom. He wants to USE us and be IN us… so we need to have open hearts, souls and minds that are available to his teaching and direction. Third, start reading. As we push ourselves to constantly come back to the truths we must genuinely believe about who GOD is, and as we start to get rid of all the sin in our lives and also start realizing where we are making unwise and unbeneficial choices (showing that we are realizing that we actually NEED Gods word)… Gods word will begin to start taking root in our hearts and Christ will begin to truly manifest within us, changing our every moment and every day.

"We have desperate need for the word in the church today. We have weak Christians, weak churches, rampant spiritual malnutrition reflecting the rejection of the true spiritual milk. We have very defective antibodies in the body of Christ today, very little discernment, very serious deficient immune system, a kind of spiritual AIDS that makes the church vulnerable to all kinds of infection from error because it has not been appropriately nourished. You'd better recognize how desperate your need is. Don't read the Bible traditionally because your parents read it. Don't read it superstitiously as if it's gonna deliver some religious charm. Don't read it educationally to know the facts. Don't read it professionally for material in your lesson or your sermon. Don't read it inquisitively just so you can bring out the latest biblical trivia and appear to be a scholar. Read it spiritually. Read it because it's nourishment. Read it because you can't live without it…" John Macarthur 

"Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread."

Proverbs 30:8+9

"Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the Lord?' or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonour the name of my God."

Falsehood: false shows | false appearances of happiness | every vain expectation | trying to live up-to something that is shallow and materialistic. *Derived from the Hebrew word: SHAV = vanity.

Lies: words of deception | empty pretensions | false promises | words that fail.


Let my heart not be set on anything that is not solid, true, durable and eternal.

Keep me at a distance from material temptations. Our appetite should not hunger after ways to satisfy meaningless desires; our appetites should hunger after the true and eternal God and HIS ways. This is the prayer of a true wisdom seeker. He seeks from the Lord honesty in heart and sufficiency in Him. This is a prayer to stay dependant on God and not to be self-sufficient. 

Do not give me riches - preserve my heart from idolatry.
Give me my daily bread - that I may continue to depend on YOU alone.
Give me an honest heart that honours the name of my God. 

draw near to God and he will draw near to you

Isaiah 58

"For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them. 'Why have we fasted,' they say, 'and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you have not noticed?'

How many of us can remember times when we've asked ourselves "where is God?" How many times have we felt like God has ignored our prayers or overlooked our hurts and needs. Maybe even now, you feel like God isn't coming near to you. Maybe you wonder why you can't feel God in your life the way you see and hear others describe… I absolutely love how Isaiah 58 starts out with questions just like these. If you skipped over the passage up above - go back and read it. The people are saying 'we've fasted and sought you out so that we can know your ways - get some direction - some help! We've come before you so why haven't you noticed us?!'

The problem is… the people 'SEEM eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God…' Its all outward. You can call it a show, call it fake, call it religious - their hearts just aren't in it. They are a nation that ISN'T doing what is right… they HAVE forsaken the commands of their God and yet they expect God to just answer their every request when they come before Him….

I imagine God thinking, "it's not going to work that way." The very beginning of Isaiah 58 (vs 1) starts with "Declare to my people their rebellion and to the house of Jacob their sins." Isaiah is about to do just that… so keep reading. We ALL need this wake-up call.

Isaiah is saying to the people… yeah right! Maybe you should focus first on what God wants to do IN you rather than being SO focused on what YOU want God to do FOR you. Look at your life, look at your heart; is there even room for God to do what he needs to do in there… you are so self-absorbed and insincere in your worship (fasting). Here's how...

"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please and exploit all your workers. Your fasting ends in quarrelling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high. Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?"

"you do as you please and exploit all your workers"… He's saying, how does it make any sense at all for you to spend a day fasting out of worship to me, yet you make your workers continue their work so as to keep you from losing profit!!!! You aren't willing to lay it all aside. In today's terms… sure we go to church, we spend a day in rest in order to focus our lives on God - but do we turn off the cellphones and the pagers? Can we leave the office at the office? Can we leave e-mails unchecked and phone calls unanswered OR are we so consumed and concerned about continuing our work out of fear of losing money or business etc.?

Is our day of rest - is our fast - truly focused on the Lord as it should be? Are we fully consumed by HIM or are we only giving him a piece of ourselves because we aren't willing to take our attention off of ourselves, our money, our joy, our pleasures etc.

"Your fasting ends in quarrelling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists"… Can we really fast - or go to church, yet continue to argue with others, fight with our family, yell at the kids, be bitter with the spouse, hold grudges against a friend, be angry with a coworker… does it work that way? NOPE! "YOU CANNOT FAST AS YOU DO TODAY AND EXPECT YOUR VOICE TO BE HEARD ON HIGH!"

BAM! You won't be heard. You aren't sincere. You aren't humble. You aren't selfless… and he won't have any of that.

Can you fast one day and feel all tingly inside and the very next day just be back at the same old life routine - nothing changed - no growth? NO! Can we seriously just walk into church and then walk out again - feel all spiritual on Sunday and then on Monday be completely back at our selfishness? NO! And then when we feel like we need an extra hand, we'll cry out to God and expect Him to respect our plea? 

"Is is only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on a sackcloth with ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?" Are you doing what you should be on the outside? Back then, a genuine sign of a fast was marked by tearing of the clothes and putting on sackcloth and pouring ashes over the head - but unfortunately the people took away the significance of these things when they started to do them in a shallow and insincere, heartless way. It wasn't genuine… they did what they needed to to look all spiritual on the outside - but on the inside, they were dirty. They would bow low to the ground, call aloud to God - but it was a show. They wanted to get God's attention by using the symbols, but without having to surrender their hearts. 

and Isaiah is saying it's not going to work.

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the chords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"

We want God to hear us? We want him to draw near to us so we can experience him on a deeper more intimate level? Well then we first need to deal with our sin as Isaiah previously touched upon (I imagine he was more-so yelling at the people to get it together…) and then we need to hear God's words on how to get it right…

Loose the chains of injustice and untie the chords of the yoke. Get rid of the sin in your life that is holding you down and holding you back. Sometimes we have blatantly obvious sins that we KNOW we need to deal with {pornography, lust, lies, alcohol, addictions, anger, jealousy, greed, the list goes on.. and on.. and on} so start DEALING with them! Not alone, but by the power given to us through Christ! We CAN overcome because He HAS overcome. Galatians 5:1 "it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery!" Sometimes there are things that we are chained to that we aren't even fully aware of, so pray that the Spirit will open your eyes to those things and that he would help you feel release and freedom; freedom to start walking in the right direction without anything burdening you or slowing you down. Get right before God. Thats where we need to start.

Whats next? GIVE to the needy and HELP those who need help. Don't wait for someone else to come along, some homeless shelter or humanitarian - take action yourself. We all need to get this - its OUR job! Care for those who need help taking care of themselves, give to those who need help financially, feed those who are hungry, clothe those who are left on the streets in the winter, encourage those who need it, love those who feel lonely… start ACTING! The Freedom mentioned above, that freedom we find in Christ WILL express itself outwardly in our actions. If we are set free - we will work to help free others. 

and.. once we begin to pull ourselves together…

"THEN your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here I am!"

How amazing is our God? Seriously… GET THAT! Isaiah is telling the people to get it together and THEN they will experience God on a new level. They will feel that deep personal love for Christ that will change their mindset - that will change their life. Healing will come - they will be seen as righteous people. Isn't that what we want? To be seen as righteous? Living a life that when tempted is able to choose Christ. Living a life that is reflecting the life of Christ? Isaiah says that "the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard"… AMAZING! God will be there with us all the way - all the time - through it all. He will be watching us, protecting us, guiding us… that is OUR GOD! There will be times of trouble, but when we call for help he will answer us, he will not delay!

I guess in the end, this entire passage just remind me of the verse in James (4:8) "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you." We need to give our full-hearted attention to God - all of who we are - truly - sincerely. Realize that we NEED him. We WANT him. Draw near to God - put aside your sin - stop living for yourself - stop living for the world - live for the King and for the Kingdom. Let Christ manifest in our hearts so that we reflect Christ himself - giving to the needy - caring for the orphan and the widow - sharing the gospel with the lost. When we do our part - God is more than willing to blow our minds. He is just waiting for us to GET IT. His gift of grace and mercy is free - but it came at a price - we need to realize what that price was and let that work in our hearts to change our attitude and our mindsets.